Summer of 1992: I'm 27.. Driving cross country back to the Hamptons for my summer tennis teaching job with the girlfriend in her little blue Toyota talking about how our lives got off the rails from us in Riverside, Ca that Spring, (drinking, drugging, dropping out of school) with the promise of doing better. We agree to stay away from the old haunts and certain people. Those people are just too much fun.
Driving: Beautiful Scenery. I-80 East. Its green, its hilly, we have tunes. Lotta Grateful Dead. I Know You Rider. We're quiet, at peace, sharing positive glances. We have a little fist bump thing we do. I put my fist out. She bumps me back. We got this... Driving..We Pass the iconic green sign ..Welcome to New York..The Empire State.
The NYC skyline appears in the distance. Storm clouds off on the horizon, foreshadowing that all is not well for our near future..
Driving through Long Island, Signs for the Hamptons appear. We start to get excited. Big summer, Big Plans. Lets crush it. Arrive at Summer Pro House for the Hamptons. The housemates are bbq-ing and partying hard. Ask us if we want a beer, we both say no, say we're trying to be healthy. The party is on, people getting wasted, the joints come out.
We excuse ourselves, go to our room, start unpacking to make our room livable.. Laying there relaxing, making small talk.. Then the music starts blasting. Early 90's hair metal. Not sure what's worse, the volume or the music.
I ask if they can turn it down.
Pro 1: Seriously??? First week of summer in the fabulous Hamptons, we're just getting warmed up. Sleep when the season's over!!
Me: Dude, we just drove 3000 miles. We're wiped out. Can you maybe take it easy just for tonight?
Pro 1: Alright man.. But if you're going to live in the pro house, you gotta fire up
(To my gf) Does he have the first conception who he's talking to..
Obviously not.. as she yells "Thank you and good night" to the party out front..
Recurring theme throughout summer. Come home, they're raging at the house. GF and I end up going out a lot, to drive around and get dinner while the party rages at home.. Bars and Liquor stores everywhere. I'm surrounded. Talk is of being healthy, of getting in great shape, but she can tell I'm wavering a little.. We pass my favorite bar.. I ask if we can go in to say hi to the boys... She says absolutely not, so not a good idea, not now, we just got here, lets get in to a good rhythm before we even consider that
Me: Can I take that as a maybe
GF: Maybe later this summer, but not tonight
Me: So there's a chance
GF: C'mon.. This isn't easy for me either. I can't do it for both of us. I need you to be strong too. You promised
Me: You're right. I'm just goofing.. We're good. The boys can wait..
We end up in Southampton.. having a nice simple dinner. We drink water. She asks how many days sober I have.. I tell her 29, one short of a month and a 30 day chip...Finishing up, we agree to walk downtown to get an ice cream
Walking down Main Street South Hampton. Beautiful night, feeling healthy, a little hope. Give the gf a hug. and we do our fist bump..We got this. We can do this. We can build a life here.. (trying to be hopeful)
We have our ice cream.. Its idyllic.. Sun setting, the golden hour.. Families and dogs and kids all shiny and bright.. We give our table over to a family with a newborn..
"Maybe we can have one of those soon. Would you want a boy or a girl? "
Back on Main Street passing the restaurant 75 Main.. The Maitre De Chris sees us (used to work at gf's and my old restaurant Sapporo Di Mare) He gives gf a huge hug, kiss kiss. Everyone doing catch up talk.. Chris insists we come in and let him buy us a drink.. We push back. Thank you thank you, but we can't
Chris insists..I will not hear of it. You two get in here right now. We have to catch up right now
We push back harder...Chris seriously.. We just got to town and we're going to have a healthier summer. Too crazy last year.
Chris: I hear you. But come in for just one. I promise that will be it
And that's all I needed. I looked at my gf. She looked warily back at me
Me: How about just one honey?
GF: Are you sure? I don't want to start up again.
ME: One and we go straight home, I promise. You are convincing Chris!!
Chris: You two get in here right now He seats us at the bar, waves the bartender over.
VOICE OVER: And its the first drink that gets you drunk..For I never had just one and once I started, I never went straight home.. Now with the beast awakened (was it ever really asleep), another crazy fun night in the Hamptons had begun
For one led to two as another table of friends saw us at the bar, inviting us over just as other friends entered the bar, greeting us and cheering us for our triumphant return to NY for another summer .. And two led to 3 and 4 and we were soon out on the town, on our way to get drugs and party back at Danas friend's house, which led to a 3-some with me Dana and her gf, me sitting in the chair doing lines watching the two of them go at it. Flash to us all waking up in her bedroom overlooking the beach and the Atlantic ocean
Let me state for the record, all my years of partying were not all doom and gloom..
Driving home in silence. I reach across to hold her hand.
Me: "Well, that was kinda hot."
Her: " Of course it was, its always hot with her, and you, and us.. Party, drugs, dress up, fuck like porn stars all night.. What's not hot about it? But how are we supposed to get anywhere this way? That's not how I want to live my life anymore. How are we ever going to settle down. How are we ever going to start a family. I mean, where are we going with this? The same thing every time.. Up all night, blowing money, partying too much, feeling like shit in the morning. Can we just pause the crazy for a bit?
I pause.. Its silent between us as we drive back to our home, lives, jobs and daily grind. I hustle in the house, throw my tennis stuff on, tell her I'm teaching late and I'll pick her up for dinner right after work.
Finishing work, Sun setting.. Beautiful night. Private court at a ridiculous Hamptons estate, get handed a nice 100 dollar tip.
I pack up my car. My clients go inside. I look at myself in the rear view mirror, Big sigh, I'm wiped out.
(To myself) Maybe get some sleep if you're going to teach all day in the brutal summer heat..
I'm aging, slight hair receding, I see a scar on my forehead I never knew I had. A few wrinkles, a tiny bit of gray.. I look like shit, but I got a Benjamin in my hand burning a hole in it. Driving home, I light a cigarette, more Grateful Dead..Driving by my favorite bar, seeing my favorite peeps cars in the parking lot. I pass, look back, look at the hundred, look back again, make an illegal u-turn right on the highway and head to Omalley's Bar to see my fav bartender Howie..
We meet, we greet. hooting and hollering.. Without saying a word, Howie pours me a pint. I hustle to the payphone to call the gf..
Hey, I just stopped in to O'malleys to see Howie and Mike. I'll be quick..
GF: Ok, I'll wait for you here for dinner
And one beer leads to two and the jokes and laughter intensify as more friends come in, a close NBA Finals game on tv about to start..
Howie the bartender: "You want to get down on the game?"
Me: Of course. I pull out my hundred, slapping it on the bar.. Give me a C-Note on the Bulls.. Game begins, we're all huddled around the bar and the tv and the beers keep flowing..I keep panning to the clock, half hour, hour, two hours.. Game goes down to the wire, the beers keep flowing., Everyone is hooting and hollering on every play. I eventually realize how late I am, jumping up right when the game is about to be decided
Everyone: Where the hell are you going??!!
ME: I forgot to call the gf and tell her I'm gonna be late.
More hooting and hollering from the bar as I hustle to the pay phone
By now I'm pretty hammered.. I call the gf.. She's pissed. I tell her to take a cab and come meet me at the bar..
GF: Oh, I'm coming alright
Fifteen minutes later
I win my bet, get paid out. I'm buying everyone a round as I see a cab pull up in front and the gf jump out.... As I see her storming to the front door, I turn to Howie my bartender
Me: Better close me out Howie
She storms in pissed.. "Are you ready. You're only 3 hours late for dinner.."
Me: I'm sorry.. I hadn't seen these guys and I got caught up.. Say hi to Mike Howie and Joe..
GF: Hello Mike, Howie, Joe.. Good nite Mike, Howie, Joe... We're leaving now. Say goodbye and meet me outside
Embarrassed, I say my good byes over their laughter and cajoling. I walk out to my car where she's leaning against it, arms crossed, super pissed..
Me: "Why you gotta be like that?"
GF: "You promised it would be different this summer!"
Voices raising.. "Jesus..I just wanted to say hi to the guys. I hadn't seen them in a year. They're my only real friends out here."
"So you just blow me off and I have to take a cab down here and grab you just to get dinner??!! Seriously, we've been here less than a week and you're right back at it. THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK!!!"
"Stop yelling. You're making a scene."
I'm making a scene??!! Who the fuck didn't come home again?
"Ok, get in the car. (She starts to cry) I know, I know, Settle, settle down.. I know I promised. That's it. There's no one else I need to see. I'll reign it in, I promise, I promise
"You have to go to meetings. The counselor in Riverside said you have to go or you're not going to make it"
"I know, I know. I'll check around and find a good one. I know where the first one I ever went to in Wainscott is. That quaint little church. I'll hit it up tomorrow, I promise. I promise.. Here, you drive.. We get out of the car to switch seats.. I meet her in the middle.. I give her a big hug. She hugs me but doesn't. She's not happy with me at all.. I'll straighten up.. I promise..
Voice Over: ( At that time in my life I had a few skills. I could walk in to a bar in any town in America, broke, thirsty, jonesing for drugs and walk out two hours later drunk, fed, on our way to score with a crisp borrowed 20 in my pocket.. One other skill I had was knowing exactly what to say to get people off my back when I fucked up..not the least being my current gf Dana..
NEXT AFTERNOON:
Arrive early to the Wainscott Chapel.. Park on the grass, watching all the happy sober people smiling and chatting and hugging
VOICE OVER: And it was almost two years to the day that I stepped inside the little church in Wainscott for my first ever meeting of AA.. It was all so scary. All these sober people. There was something about them..They had this glow about them. They seemed different than me. Free. Liberated. They had something I didn't have. They had something I wanted. A peacefulness about them. They showed me a couple years ago it was possible to live a different way, but I didn't stick with it and I'm sicker now.. As they warned, the disease progresses. Before, I was tired, clueless about recovery, sobriety and alcoholism, I just wanted to not feel like shit all the time. Now I'm scared, because alcoholism has a hold on me that's not letting go no matter how many meetings I attend or what anybody says. Its going to take some divine intervention to change my course, way more divine than anything going on in that church right now..
I get out of my car.. Start looking at the throngs of people heading in to the church on a beautiful weekday afternoon.. I start toward the door.. I know what its like in there and I'm just not ready to face myself
I reach the steps to the front door..The greeters greet me. Hello, thank you for coming. Welcome welcome.
VOICE OVER: But you only feel welcome when you want to be somewhere, and sitting in an AA meeting on a beautiful summer's afternoon was absolutely NOT the place I want to be right now for every fiber of my being wanted a drink in that moment, not to listen to people talk about quitting drinking.
I find a seat in the back. The squawk of the main room is indecipherable. Voices mumbling below the buzz of the room. I'm squeezed into a seat between an older lady and a heavy set guy. No room, uncomfortable in every way.. I get up to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom there's a mirror. I take another long hard look at myself. I'm blank. Sad dead eyes, there's no joy in Mudville. I walk out..To the left is the meeting, there's clapping and cheering going on.. To the right there's a door that exits to the back. I pause.. I look left, to a room of healing. I look right, to a back door and a return to my troubled life. And it shouldn't have been a hard decision..but I wasn't ready for the laughing and cheering... I just wanted a drink.
And out the back I went, on my way to start another bender..
Strong Music...Scenes of partying chaos and debauchery.. Not coming home, not showing up for lessons, waking up in all sorts of beds, running around town late at night at bars or scoring drugs.. Flashing to my girlfriend alone in bed, waking up alone, on the phone trying to find me. Scenes of tennis courts with lessons waiting for me to arrive, only to not come. Scenes of my boss fielding phone calls, scrambling pros to get to the houses I'm not showing up at.. Me finally coming to, calling the gf to pick me up in profound state of dilapidation.
GF picks me up.. She's quiet for the moment..
Me: "Fuck..What am I going to do, I'm going to lose my job. I have to come up with a good one"
GF: "Don't even get me involved in this. I'm done with this, I'm done lying for you, I'm done covering for you. I'm just so done.
Me: Stressing hard and not hearing a word she said "How am I going to explain this.. Jesus, what should I tell them?
GF: "You could just tell them the truth. That you have a problem. I mean, what are they going to say or do to you that's any worse than what you're doing to yourself?
Me: "What, tell them I'm completely out of control? Then what? Why would he want me anywhere near anybody at the club if he really knew how sick I was? He's just gonna blow me out. And we need the money..
GF: "Be nice if you thought about that before blowing all our money on benders..
I'm quiet for a moment. We're driving. Thinking. Grinding.
Me: "Ok, here's the plan. You're gonna tell him I got arrested and you're going to get me out right now
GF: "Are you fucking kidding??!! I wish you would get arrested, Maybe you'd calm down for a few days and I could get some rest. This is killing me you know!! I can't sleep, I have a job too!! This is so insane..
Me: (Ignoring her completely again) Just tell him I got popped for possession or something, not coke, just pot, and just a little bit.. And I was driving w a suspended license or something like that. Tell him I need a couple days to get my shit figured out and I'll be in touch asap.
GF: To herself..I literally can't believe I'm doing this again.
Me: Can you do this for me one last time. I promise I'll try harder
We drive on without her saying a word, finally I jump in..
Me: I'm sorry..
GF: What does that even mean anymore.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.. It won't happen again. I swear..I'll change. I need to change, I want to change. I'll do it for you. I'll do it for us.. bullshit bullshit BULLSHIT!!! Here, maybe this will help you pull your head out of your ass. I'm late.
Me: Late, like period late? How late?
GF: Pretty late. Month late. Thought it might be from all the stress, but I can tell this isn't just late.
Me: Oh God.. Jesus, I can't even think about this right now.
GF: Obviously..
Me: Oh no.. God dammit! What the fuck should we do?
GF: Shaking her head.. subdued.."I have no idea.."
End scene driving off in silence
At home later. Gf has called work.. I clean up..
Me: " I'm going to a meeting tonight.".
GF: "Ok, do you want me to go with you?
Me: No, I'll be alright. I'm not even sure what kind it is. Open closed speaker book study.. I'm pretty clueless. I just called the number and they told me there was one tonight
GF: Ok..
Me: I'm gonna take your car.. Minds not running great.
GF: Maybe if you took it in like you said you were going to weeks ago
Me: I know, I know.. I will.. Ok, I'll see you in a little bit
SCENE:
Driving through the Hamptons.. Music, scenery, darkness creeping in.. I Arrive at a church with a bunch of AA old timers standing outside smoking, A grizzly crew they are.. The whole scene is grim. I walk in, grab a seat in the back by myself away from the throngs.. Go around the room, introducing ourselves..
The meeting asks if there's anyone in their first 30 days of sobriety and if they'd like to introduce themselves. I keep my head down, avoiding everyone's stairs..
Sharing begins.. Its long, rambling and meandering, making little to no sense as they talk sobriety and recovery, invoking God at regular intervals... with each reference of a power greater than myself i get a little more restless
I go grab some coffee, I grab a cookie, go to the bathroom.. Sneak a peak in the mirror but not in the mood of facing myself...I walk back to my seat. Look at my watch. Look at my watch again. Its still the same minute, a telltale sign I'm antsy.
Speaker concludes, during clapping, I get up and with my head down to avoid eye contact, I walk outside to my car.
Get to my car.. Pause a moment.. I look in the mirror.. To myself.."What the fuck am I supposed to do..I can't party and I can't sit still long enough to get sober.. I get out, light a cigarette, and start heading toward the lights of westhampton village..
I'm in West Hampton.. Its Friday night and the weekend has begun.. I park and grab a slice.. Walking down the main street, I peek my head in to my favorite west Hampton bar.. My good friend from a couple summers ago is bartending. Haven't seen him in a while. I also see other Westhampton party friends there. I get the heroes welcome.
After brief pleasantries, The shit talking starts flying immediately.
This is my social life.. bars, bartenders, drinkers and dealers. And they're all there in spades tonight..
Bartender: The usual?
Me: Yeah, but with a little twist. A bourbon and coke, just hold the bourbon
Everyone: "WHAT??!!" As they fall all over themselves with incredulity
Me: Yeah, I gotta drive and get home early, long one tomorrow.
Bar friend 1: Don't we all?
Bar friend 2: Never stopped you before
Bartender: Yeah, what's going on. So not like you
Me: Trying to cut back on my benders guys.. And can't a guy just come in and say hello?
Bartender: "Sure.. Diet Coke, coming up. Grab a stool and catch me up"
I look around the restaurant, seeing couples and families all dressed up for a nice evening's dinner. Then down at the end of the bar I see my old coke dealer sitting off by himself. He eventually catches my eye and starts my way
Dealer: J Edgar Hoover.. Good to see ya
Me: Tony Montana, Always a pleasure
Everyone: Say hello to my little friend!! as they fake spray the room with machine gun fire
Dealer: What ya drinking?
Me: Well, I was just having a Diet Coke
Dealer: Taking a break from the Double Jacks?
Me: Well, now that you're here..
Dealer To the bartender: "Double Jack for J Edgar here.." He taps my shoulder.. Follow me..
Dealer walks to the bathroom, looks back at me as I haven't moved yet. He waits in the doorway, looking back at me then waves me over with his head
I pause, I'm having an existential moment. My friends at the bar know what's up..
Friend 1: Mr Buss, your reservation for Stall one is ready..
I stand up. Look around at everyone's faces. Nobody knows what I'm going to do. I pause. I look at them, I look at the clock..
Me: Well, maybe just a taste.
I walk to the bathroom, looking back at the bar as I turn into the restroom, where the dealer's in the stall lining me up..
As I walk in, stall door opens. He hands me a rolled up hundred. "One for each, unless that left one still don't work."
Me: "Good memory! It could use some plumbing"
I walk in the stall.. Pause a second. I see myself in the reflection off the Toilet paper case.. Blurry fun house look.. I lean in, take two huge snorts... I snap up quickly, eyes watering, the rush to my brain noticeable.. Damn, that's the bomb.. You holding?
Dealer: Only balls..
Me: Jesus, A ball and I'll be going all weekend
Dealer: "You'll be growing strong though" As he says that, he hands me a huge chunk of coke in a plastic wrap.. "Don't forget to tip your dealer"
Me: "Now I'm going to need that double Jack"
Walking back out to the bar.. I'm going again.. A stiff drink awaits me as I start drinking hard.. I'm in the middle of an active bar conversation... but I'm not. The voice in my head starts gnawing at me.."What are you doing? This was so not the plan. How the fuck are you going to explain this?
I start to drink faster and faster to quiet it down..
I'm on the move again. Buying drinks, taking shots, getting in cars, going to clubs, doing lines, ending up at houses. I have the gf's car and I haven't called in. Friday goes in to Saturday, Saturday melts into Sunday. I don't check in and I don't slow down. Its all a blur as I'm blacked out for most of Sunday
Coming to Monday morning. I see the world around me return to normal. Everyone getting ready to go to work or back to the city. The house I'm crashed at wakes me and tells me I have to go
I'm too fucked up to drive. I walk out, grab my racket bag from my car and start walking to the train station. The sun is rising, its cool in the morning. Cutting to images of home life. GF stressed out from not sleeping, me not showing up for lessons, boss stressing, everyone asking and calling around about my whereabouts, calling jail, calling hospital, my girlfriend eventually calls my parents, they don't pick up.. She doesn't leave a voicemail
Walking slowly to the train station..I'm drawn, I'm sad..Waiting for the train to come at the LIE Westhampton Station
The first hint of dawn.. I see the headlight of a train appear on the horizon. Its going East, back to East Hampton, Back to my home, job, gf, life.. I appear like I'm to get on it. The train leaves the station and I'm still standing there. Seconds later, Another train arrives heading west to NYC.. and the great unknown..
VOICE OVER: And it shouldn't have been a hard decision., but I was pretty far gone and it had been a long time between good decisions for me as I boarded the westbound train, destination unknown with a racket bag of beers and contraband.
The Long train ride.. Staring out the window, the horizon speeding by.. Its blurry, I'm blurry, there's strong music as we pass stop after stop.. After a couple hours I get off in Jamaica.. try to find a train to AC, but there's no direct shot.. I take one south toward Philadelphia, passing out along the way.. Come to in Philly and a total mess.. Blacked out now, Get on a bus for AC.. Its a battle, still drinking, still partying.. Finally arrive.. I'm a mess.. I get a hotel right by the Sands casino.. shower up, clean up, go to casino to gamble.. I'm hot, winning big.. The party continues.. Back at the hotel.. I have mounds of drugs.. I get a local magazine, I call a hooker..
Nervous.. Totally tweaking.. Hooker arrives.. Its a midweek, midafternoon Atlantic City hooker..not exactly Julia Roberts, but she's cute enough.. She comes in.. She sees I'm a mess.. She's nurturing, begins to tend to me. I'm very passive, sweating from everything.. She grabs a cool wash cloth and starts to help cool me down..I thank her. Ask about her day, her life.. She eventually shares her sad story, how she ended up in AC doing what she was doing. (will flesh out story more) She has a child.. I ask to see her picture.. I tell her I have one on the way too..
Prostitute: You better take care of yourself mister. Diapers add up..
Me: Yeah, I'm on a bit of a tear here.. Hopefully I'll settle down..
Eventually she asks me what I want to do. I say nothing. Just relax. I just want some company. I'll pay you for your time. She grabs the wash cloth again.. Wets it, comes to cool me off me again.. I lean in to her tenderness
Next Scene..
I shower and clean up
Me: I'll try. Its got a pretty good hold of me
P: I can see that... I have to go..
Me: How much do I owe you?
P: Just give me 200 and promise me you'll slow down
Me: I will.. I promise.. Thank you for being so nice..I'll call you soon. I'll want to see you again.
P: Ok... she comes up, gives me a kiss on the cheek.."You're sweet. Take care of yourself"
She leaves. Night continues. Gambling, drinking.. I still haven't checked in yet..I start getting paranoid, looking out the blinds every few minutes, then to the peep hole. Need to get out of the room. Go back to the bar.. I'm drawing attention.. Go back to the casino.. It doesn't go well.. Back to the room.. I pay for another night..
Get inside.. I've been up for days now.. Start getting low on blow.. still paranoid, I'm sweaty, I'm twitchy.. I keep looking at the phone.. I came to a place where no one could find me. But now what?
Things start flashing fast.. To Home, To my Parents, to my club, back to my room, My mind is racing, I'm tweaking hard.. Stuck in a room.. There's a mirror.. What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am i going to do?
The phone rings.. I jump.. Its the front desk asking if everything is ok
I assure them I'm fine.. but I'm not.. I keep trying to do lines.. My nose is thrashed.. Sitting there defeated.. Its quiet.. I'm sad. The reality of situation starts to hit me. I try to drink a beer, throw it across the room. Nothing is working anymore.. I need to pick up the phone.
I pick it up.. I call Girlfriend
GF: "Oh Thank god." Her relief at hearing my voice.. "Where are you? Where is my car?"
Me: "Umm, I'm not good. I'm in Atlantic city.
GF: You're where???
Me: Atlantic City.. New Jersey.. In a hotel.. what day is it?
GF: You've been missing for 5 days now.. Everyone's worried sick. Can you get home?
Me: I don't have the car
GF: Where is the car?
Me: Its at the train station in west hampton
GF: Oh jesus
Me: Can you come get me? I'm scared .. I've been up for days. i think there's people after me, looking to rob me, or worse. I'm afraid to leave my room..
GF: How am I supposed to come get you without the car?
Me: Can you call Joe?
GF: Jesus Christ.. And ask him what??!!
Me: If he'll come get me
GF: Jesus.. where are you?
Me: I don't know..Hold on.. I look at the phone.. I'm at the Continental Hotel..here's the address, phone number, room number
GF: I'm going to call you as soon as I get someone to take me down there.. DO NOT leave that room for any reason
Ok.. crying now..I mumble "I'm sorry"
GF: Just don't go anywhere.
VOICEOVER: And somehow, in spite of how sick and dysfunctional I was getting, I still had people who cared about me. But for how much longer?
Images of GF calling my friend Joe, her asking him coming to pick her up and drive her down to AC ( a six hour drive!!), flashes to me in my hotel room, paranoid, checking the peephole, looking out the shades, sweating, tripping..
The clock continues .. Hours later, stash done, I'm done, laying on my bed.. I hear a car pull up.. Its Joe and GF.. They come up cautiously.. I go with them..
Joe: "Lets get you home."
I fall asleep, twitching away.. pick up gf's car, finally arrive home.. Unpacking.. Cleaning up..My car is dead, Gf won't let me use hers.. Taking cabs to what lessons I have left.. Show up at one house for my regular time... someone else is there working with them.
Client: "Listen, we're on vacation. We just want play some tennis, not all this drama. Take care of yourself. Maybe we try again next summer.."
I've lost nearly all my clients. I get through the week teaching clinics, but barely. Its Friday. Pay Day. My boss (Scott R) calls me in to his office.
Scott: "Are you ok? You're making us all nervous..
Me: Yeah man, sorry, this summer got away from me..
Scott: "Ya think? "Holding my check..."Should I even be giving this to you?"
Me: I know..I hear ya.. I'm settling down.
Scott: Just one more week.. That's all I need from you..A week of mindless clinics. Take this. Go home.. Get rested up.. I have you feeding all weekend. You show up and are yourself again, then we'll get you some offsite work, but not before you show me I can depend on you. You're my best pro. I need you out in the field.
Me: taking the check "Thanks man. I wish I could explain myself better..I'll see you in the morning."
In downtown East Hampton, walking my check into my bank to cash it. I cash it. I'm walking through the village with a 1000 bucks in my pocket and I haven't had a drink all week, simply not a good combination.
Walking aimlessly around the village, people watching all the summer vacationers. Its a colorful eclectic ensemble. Its getting late in the day. I pass bar after bar. I arrive at the bar I drank at all summer (O'Malleys) From the street, I look in. I see my friends at the bar and my fav bartender working. I approach slowly, looking through the glass window. Get close enough to the glass to see the blurry insides with my reflection looking back at me. I look tired, worn down, sad.. like I'm on the cusp of making another terrible decision..
VOICE OVER: And I'd reached that dangerous place for all drinkers.. I knew my drinking was killing me but to not have a drink felt like I was going to die
I take a seat on a bench on the sidewalk. Groups of summer revelers approach the bar door to enter. They see me sitting there
Them: "Coming in?"
Me: "Uh, not now, not tonight."
I continue to watch from the bench on the street, people entering the bar, setting up shop like I had a 100 nights before.. People leaving the bar in all sorts of fun and hilarity and joy
VOICEOVER: People having fun drinking, what a concept. But drinking for me wasn't fun anymore, hadn't been for a while now. What had started as fun when I was 14 was only problems now. There was no more laughter, even less adventure as the vice of alcoholism fastened ever tighter around me. Drinking had become dangerous, yet I had no idea how to stop. What I did know was after last weekends escapade in AC, I didn't have the heart to put my summer bar friends in an awkward position (the bartender, the patrons, the owner/manager) I couldn't be drinking in public anymore.. If I was going to drink that evening, I had to go somewhere where they didn't know me
And I did. I walked a good half a mile, landing at another Irish pub McKendrys in Amagansett.. A grim place with even grimmer characters..A perfect spot for me and the state I was in.
Sitting at the bar with a bottled beer in front of me, One leads to two, two to three, within minutes, I reach my cruising altitude, that gnawing voice inside of me finally quieted, at least for a moment.
I eventually go to the jukebox. I find Europe 72 from the Grateful Dead. I put on the cut Prelude, 7 minutes of the most unsettling discordant music in recorded history. Right at the piece's peak, the bartender goes to the jukebox and unplugs it.
Bartender: "You put that shit on again, you're outta here.. Think about somebody other than yourself for once, would ya?"
Lectured and forlorn, I sat quietly with my beer, plotting my next move when a fellow older deadhead shimmies up side of me..
Deadhead: "For what its worth, I was at that show they played that."
Me: No way!!
Deadhead: "Yeah, just imagine that on acid"
Me: Enthusiastically "I do all the time!!"
Intros get made. Rounds get bought.
VOICEOVER: And the funny thing about my drug use. Sober, the thought of doing cocaine would make my skin crawl...But put a few drinks in me and drugs are literally the only thing I can think about
Me to my new deadhead friend: You wouldn't happen to know where we could score, would you?
Deadhead: Well, Yes I do.. But he only sells 8 balls
Me: Ahh, My favorite pool game
Deadhead: Mine too.. Lets settle up and go
Driving to score.. Get back to his place. People strewn around.. crack pipes, needles.. I settle in.. Get my stash, its fantastic, I'm generous, I line everybody up but say I can't stay all night.. I keep saying I have to be at work at 8.. But Joints, opium.. Hippy chicks, Dark Star (grateful Dead) playing in the background..
The clock continues to advance.. 12, 1, 2.. I'm getting hammered again.. GF sees I'm missing.. shes stressing.. on the phone to her friends..
GF: I can't do this again. I'm pregnant, he's completely out of control..
The suns rising, peeking through the blinds. Paper hits the door, birds start chirping.. Everyone starts passing out.. I gather my stuff, steal a bunch of bottles of pills from the medicine cabinet.. Xanax, Vicodin, Valiums.. What a score!! Have my racket bag and stash, jam a couple beers into it and head out to the road to try and hitch a ride when a cab comes by..
Cab driver: Where to?
Me: Uh, Take me to... pause.. train station.
Cab Driver: You sure?
Me: No.. But lets start there..
Drive in silence... Reach platform, pay cabbie, get to train ticket kiosk.. Look at options.. Buy a ticket Check my stuff... Climb up.. Once again, East goes back to my home, my life, or what's left of it..Westbound train takes me to the great unknown, an unknown I likely won't return from.
Drama.. Trains come, I let them pass. I have time. I sit and ponder my choices, my life.. East comes again, I don't get on... West to NYC comes by.. And I get on..
Same window, same horizon as before..A little tear forms at my eye. I'm in big trouble.. I'm seriously contemplating ending my life because I can't stop doing drugs..From utterly powerless to utterly hopeless.. Not sure how I'm going to do whatever I'm going to do, I grab paper from my bag and start writing a scathing good bye letter aimed at my addiction and my Dad (will narrate this.. Obviously sad and heavy but explaining my angst at my parents, addiction etc)
Hours later...Trains, Buses.. before long I'm right back in AC at the same hotel, this time armed and dangerous with strong drugs and pills
Immediately call the same prostitute. She says she'll be over in a bit.. I settle in, take a few pills to calm down a little, but I'm incredibly stoned
She arrives.. Sees whats going on.. Tries to console me.. "Jesus dude, why are you doing this? I thought you were going to become a parent."
Me: I don't know.. I wish I could explain myself better..
Prostitute: Do you want me to call someone?
Me: No, please don't..Nobody knows I'm here.. I'll figure it out, or I won't.. I don't know..
Prostitute: You look sad? You're not going to do anything stupid, are you? I don't feel like I should leave you alone, but I can't stay here long..
Me: You go ahead. Let me get some rest, and I'll check in with you tomorrow.. I just need to settle down a little
Prostitute: "Ok.. Be careful.. I may check in on you later".. She walks up to me, kisses me on the head and pats my chest.."Take care of your heart now, you're gonna need it" (She's very nurturing)
She walks out the door, looking back at me, pausing slightly, staring in, unsure of what's she's seeing or what she should do..She shuts door, pauses again.. Looks down over the railing to see her girlfriend's car waiting to pick her up. She walks down stairs, getting in the passenger seat. She gets in car and unfolds two hundred bucks
GF:. That's it??? That's all you got? I thought you said this guy was flush..
Prostitute: He was, He is. He's got all kinds of good shit in there but I have a bad feeling about this guy
GF: And why are we having feelings for dates?
Prostitute: Not like that.. He doesn't look right. He's totally out of it. I feel like we should call someone.
GF: WTF girl!! We Social Services now? You losing your edge girl.. We should go back up there, promise him a threesome and take him for everything he has... Plus, what are going to tell anybody? You don't know anything about the guy other than he's so high all he can do is cuddle...Plus your fingerprints are all over that room now. Something go wrong with him, with your history, I don't think you want that
Prostitute: I know.. I know..Just none of it feels right..
GF: I hear ya.. But Let's not make his problems our problems. Check in on him tomorrow. He'll probably still be rolling (they slowly pull out of the parking lot, with the prostitute looking up at his window..)
Flash to my room and I'm barely dressed, sweating and tweaking and staring out the peephole
I walk over to my bag and gets back on writing goodbye letter. Angrier now, emotional.. crying and yelling.. Lashing out at my Dad. Its getting uglier and messier, penmanship getting illegible
VOICE OVER: And you really do think about your life.. Unfortunately through the prism of extreme despair and addiction and its hardly measured or balanced against reality.. Just raw unprocessed pain getting increasingly more painful with every last ingestion of narcotics. How did it get so far away.. Images of childhood, parents, tennis, trophies, important moments.. UCLA, JDC
Couple hours pass
Images of my room, my gf, work, my parents.. the hooker who just left me sitting quietly in her room with the phone right beside her
I start lining up what I have left.. Drugs, pills, booze.. I'm getting delirious.. Try to write a note, but its a scribbled mess...
Time is running out
I barricade the door..Lock it..Start taking everything.. I'm a slobbering sweaty mess.. Everything at once.. I'm going out
Hooker staring at the phone, jumps up and calls 911.. Tells them there's an overdose in a hotel .refuses to give any info.. Gets upset when they hesitate and keep asking questions..Yelling at them to hurry
I go out.. Lying there passed out.. Its finally quiet, then the Paramedics with the help of the hotel manager start banging on the door.. Its locked from the inside.. They smash their way in.. I'm out cold
Gurney.. Rushing me out to ambulance.. EMT finding paraphernalia and pill bottles and scribbled notes.. Its a suicide attempt
Call it in.. They rush me into ICU.. I'm given Narcan..I'm coming in and out of consciousness.. Charcoal to induce vomiting. Raging, crying, vomiting..
As I come to briefly, they ask if there's anyone we can call
I manage to give them my parents number
They call my parents.. Dad gets on the phone.. Things get explained..Everyone panicking now.. Parents ask to speak to me
He's in a bad way, but we can try
Holding the phone for me, My Dad gets on the ..
Dad: Barry Barry.. hang in there man
Me: Dad.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry crying and yelling and heaving
Dad: Anxious and panicky..."We're sorry, We had no idea.. We had no idea.. But hang in there.. We're going to get you the help you need. You hear us. We're gonna get you the help you need.. But you gotta hang in there
I fade off crying and wailing ..
Hours later.. I awaken in rough shape.. I'm in a dark basement room within a sea of gurneys and patients and groans..
Crazy patients everywhere, screaming and groaning Get me out of here and Help Me!! More groans, more wailing.. A nurse is circulating among the gurneys doing the rounds..
She approaches an older African American man strapped to a gurney next to mine, blood drips slowly down the side of his face.. He's hemorrhaging from his eyes..Subdued Groaning.. Nurse comes up to him.. Dabs his face, cleans him up.. Is there anyone we can call for you?
No.. They no one. Ain't been no one for a while
VOICE OVER: And in one of the saddest sites I'd ever seen here was an older gentleman in a terrible way with not a single sole still in his life.. And it hit me hard, for that would be me if I keep doing what I'm doing, There won't be anyone to take my calls soon..
Nurse approaches me..
Nurse: Are you comfortable and do you need anything?
Me: I haven't eaten in a while...Is there any food?
Nurse: Not for a while. We do rounds again in a couple hours..
Me: Ok, is there a rest room I could use?
Nurse: Down the hall to the left
With the nurse's help, I slowly climb down off my gurney in my stained hospital smock. I slowly start walking down the hall and feel something in my foot. I bend over, pulling a few crumpled dollar bills from my sock.. I look at them, straighten them, then see some vending machines at the end of a hall.. I try the door, its locked
I try the next door, Its locked too.. I'm in a lock down psych ward.. I keep walking.. Find a bathroom.. See myself in the mirror.. I look terrible, grim.. I have nothing to say to myself
I walk out.. I try another door with heavy locks.. But it opens.. I see a pathway to the street.. I take it.. I look around... I start walking slowly down.. I don't think I'm supposed to be here
I reach another glass door.. It opens to the street.. Its night time.. Its sweltering hot.. I walk out to the street.. I'm in my hospital smock.. I have a couple dollars in my hand.. I see the bright lights of a lit up city street..
I see a row of bars and liquor stores.. I see the money in my hand.. I look at the money, then the bar.. My mouth is so dry and disgusting.. I would kill for a drink a right now...
Then a voice in my head..Its my voice.. "No Man You've had enough. Go back inside. You've had enough"
As I stood there still, I look to my money, to the bars, back to the doorway and the hospital, only to see two nurses running down the hall toward me..
Nurse: Sir, Sir, you can't be out here.. Come this way now..
Me: I was just looking for something to eat
Nurse: We'll get you something to eat.. Just come back inside.. Your ride is coming for you, but its going to be a bit.. So just come back inside. You're not supposed to be out here
One nurse grabbed one arm, the second nurse grabbed the other as they escorted me back to the hospital and my gurney
VOICEOVER:
And with that, it was over.. I was being flown home.. Though the chain of command would get complicated, with my pregnant gf just as afraid of me as she was for me. But behind the scenes, calls were being made to get me out of the hospital and on a plane home to California where I'd be heading off to inpatient treatment for alcoholism. I'd dodged a bullet in Atlantic City. A couple of them really.. But I was heading home to finally get the help I so badly needed..
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