West Coast Talks XXXX

 The 5 P’s are Persistence, Patience, Practice, Perseverance, Presence.

The Central Tension in My book..

April 1983.. I was on a roll.. I walked on a tennis court for the defending NCAA Champion UCLA Bruins undefeated.. I had won my fist 22 dual matches, tying Jimmy Connors record on the brink of setting all kinds of records at

A year later. I had dropped out of school, quit the team giving my tennis scholarship back to live in my van to drink and drug around the clock

What happened

Well, it was happening all along..

I was a young American tennis player striving for success at our sport with a serious undiagnosed mental health disorder, a disorder I began dangerously self-medicating at the ripe old age 14 to only be properly diagnosed at age 37.. And for those who read the past couple chapters of my book, No Spoilers by the time of my diagnosis,  as I was about to find out my wires were dangerously crossed by the time, leaving to a series of absurd miracles and divine interventions to allow me to be standing before you here tonight 

What was happening in plain site was happening 40 years ago.. yet all the important people in my life hadn't the first clue what to look for, not the least being myself

But an important caveat.. This was many many years ago and nobody knew anything...  not my coaches, not my parents, not my years of teachers, not UCLA, not Junior Davis Cup, not the USTA, not the least being myself.. Nobody knew anything about alcoholism, addiction, I didn't know anybody sober.. and I certainly didn't know anyone with undergoing treatment for their mood disorder.

So there's no blame here.. everybody gets a pass.. 

But now we know a lot.. And the question I ask today is what happens if the me of 40 years ago rolls into to town today, troubled and talented.. 

Are there programs and guardrails in place to help keep young people afflicted like myself from throwing their lives away and never being able to see their talents through, if not worse. 

I'm going to come back to this question in a bit..

So tonight I'd like to talk about mental health with you all .. How do we diagnose it, is it preventable, is it treatable, and how I came to contract Bipolar Disorder at such a young age..

Mental health has been in the news a lot of late.. 

Sports: Simone Biles, Ben Simmons, Michael Phelps  Tennis: Mardy Fish Naomi Osaka, Nick Kyrgios.. And lets throw Ash Barty into the mix.. She quit tennis not once but twice..

Society: Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, David Foster Wallace, Chris Cornell

But Most importantly, today's youth are struggling... Last year, The Surgeon General declared a National Emergency.. sharp spikes in depression, anxiety, suicide, self-harm and suicidal ideation  

These illnesses have been around forever.  Are we just getting better at diagnosing them or is there something changing right now in society?

Surgeon General National Emergency

For when we were kids, the concerns 

National: That means the whole nation, that means all of us need to be involved to turn this around.hese illnesses have been around forever.  Are we just getting better at diagnosing them or is there something changing right now in society..

Where is all this coming from? 

Science has concluded mental health disorders develop one part genetic and the other environmental..

WE KNOW MORE THAN EVER, WE'RE DOING MORE THAN EVER, YET THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE

HOW CAN WE GET THIS TREND TO SWING THE OTHER DIRECTION

I'd like to talk about the environmental side of how I grew up, most importantly, my troubled relationship with my Father

born Middle son to harvey and barbara.. I had an older brother Larry and a younger brother Jerry..Larry Barry Jerry.. don't ask..

My Dads claim to fame, he worked at the first ever McDonalds.. he met my mother there..he gave her free fries.. they were married a year later.. Who needs dating apps

My Dad was intense. Brilliant mathematician, one of the original writers of software he immediately became a man in demand in  the aerospace industry, moving us to the east coast to the suburbs. 

He was also quite obsessive.. Furniture, motorcycles, computer, Halleys Comet

 But he had his demons too. Always drinking and smoking. Literally every memory of my father as a youth he had a beer in his hand..He was so erratic though.. Fits of manic activity, computer  followed periods of dark brooding.. with a booming voice and a volcanic temper that could flare at any moment 

He ruled our house by fear..  It was a breeding ground for anxiety... My brothers and I.. When he would leave I could finally relax

But my Dad was obsessed with special people, 

but particularly child prodigies. Mozart, Bobby Fischer, the tennis player Maureen Connolly, the physicist Richard Feynman.. People who achieved world greatness while still being in their teens My Dad might have been a child prodigy too, but he never got his chance. And as life was back then, before he reached his 30th birthday, he was married with 3 kids, punching the clock 9-5 for the rest of his working life, a mortgage and his life was pretty well locked in, and though he never got his  chance he was determined that if any of his kids showed promise of being great at something, he was going to run with that as far as he could

 My Dad might have been a child prodigy too, but he never got his chance. And as life was back then, before he reached his 30th birthday, he was married with 3 kids, punching the clock 9-5 for the rest of his working life, a mortgage and his life was pretty well locked in, and though he never got his  chance he was determined that if any of his kids showed promise of being great at something, he was going to run with that as far as he could

EARLY APTITUDE TESTS And sure enough, those early aptitude tests we take as little kids, I scored off the chart on a few, giving my Dad the idea that maybe I was the one who could become special 

So he devised a plan  Math and Chess.. Eventually he'd stop with the lessons.. I was good, but not good enough to be special and he'd be off on his next obsession..  egomaniac with an inferiority complex mixed feelings about the mixed messages

Organized sports the burbs provided, but there was always this one sport that remained elusive.. a couple times a week my Dad would go to the closet and pull out these wood rackets

As with most athletic young kids, team sports were a part of my upbringing...But there was always this one sport that seemed so intriguing.. couple nights a week my Dad would go to the closet and pull out these beautiful pieces of wood...Then one weekend dad was away.. He comes home with a trophy.. remember staring at the trophy thinking I gotta get me one of those

And it was that night I asked my Dad if I could play tennis for the first time

So the next weekend we had family tennis.. My first time playing, I'm sure I sucked, but my Dad must have seen enough in me, that the next morning, at 459 am

Learning tennis wasn't so easy back then.. there was no bump or jungleball green dot, very few coaches no junior rackets.. used your dad's extra.. he would shave the grip down so I could hold it

I missed a lot  and  lets just say my Dad's bedside manner wasn't very mannerly.. so I'd get an earful of that old school Father-son motivational talk

And many of those mornings were miserable, ending in tears and drama.. And for most kids it would have turned them off to tennis.. But it had a somewhat different effect on me, it turned me off to missing

Best way to get Dads approval was to not miss...Don't miss, don't get yelled at.. the quintessential negative incentive.. a parenting style quite frowned upon in today's climate

And my Dad and I would do this dance the next couple years.. We had a little routine we did.. warm car

Then all of a sudden, I stopped missing so much..so my Dad did would every tennis parent does,,he entered me into my first tournament..and after getting my butt handed to me a few times, it happened

Tournament Shuffle

I went to play a tourney and against kids a head taller than me, I won it and my first trophy.. and oh boy, was it on.. I never let go of it except to slurp my victory milk shake.. i slept with it, took it to school.. it was awesome, my first trophy

But everything changed that night with my dad.. 

 maybe tennis was the activity i was to be great at.. What did they know.. what do any of us know about managing an aspiring career.. Because delusional or not, if an undersized kid like me from a sleepy suburb in tewksbury Mass, who was completely self-taught could go from where I was to setting records at UCLA only a few years later, it can happen to anybody 

So now Dad, being the obsessive he was, got busy..toss box in the garage, lines on the driveway and garage door, surveyors, moving the family to a larger lot to build a court 

But being all in meant playing tournaments and it turns out if your parents are really into it, a kid can play a tourney darn near every weekend  And that became me and my Dad

The tournament shuffle.. The week of the house becomes a command center..the only payoff was winning, Traveling.. Away from his life and family ..The only payoff was winning, but not just winning.. perfectly played, perfectly behaved..but not just winning, complete performances. .He demanded PERFECTION.. And when I came up short, which was darn near always, I heard about it often in the passenger seat of his sports car on those long drives home 

So My dad became a tennis parent.. Tennis is hard, parenting is hard, tennis parenting is darn near impossible, because you identify with your kid.. A part of you is playing..And if you think playing is hard, try watching a loved one.. Its agonizing

So the pressure to win got increasingly intense.. For to lose put me on the wrong side of conditional love

So developed a few ticks..Cheating, Tantrums, Choking, Tanking, .. It was the tantrums that stood out the most.. Cheat, but if that wasn't working, the anger would come, not because I was losing, but for how I was going to be treated for losing, those drives home I'd be ground zero for his raging temper..that somehow this tennis result became a referendum on my value as a young human being.. And I was only 12 years old

So I started taking on some water.. The stress of tennis, the moodiness at home, changing schools while being incredibly awkward, my erratic Dad week after week.. The whole thing was stressful, perfect breeding ground for anxiety...And it wasn't just me.. My brothers struggles too.. My older brother started putting on weght, my younger brother withdrew and would have his own set of struggles

And all this was going on when my Dad up and decided to move the family cross country to right here, in the beautiful South Bay of SoCal

The year was 1978.. And the tennis boom was on! What Torrance lacked in curb appeal, it more than made up for in tennis.. Seemed every couple miles and up popped another 20 court tennis facility.. Rancho Verde RHPRC La casa de vida (now south end) West end MBCC

So we joined RHPRC where I made my first real friends in live

Times were different back then  The Unsupervised.. You can only play so much tennis..Lotta of time to kill

Driving around in the van  My FIRST BEER

And my life changed that day... I could feel better, and it quieted my mind.. 

After that night I became obsessed with feeling different.. The next couple years I would spend every waking moment either high, going to get high.. It was ridiculous.. I couldn't even drive yet.

Yet nobody knew.. I was able to keep it a secret.. Nobody around me suspected anyting, nobody aroud me knew the first thig to look for

AND IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME I STARTED TO THINK SOMETHING MIGHT BE WRONG WITH ME OR DIFFERENT

The way I partied, the way my mind raced all the time, the crippling anxiety I felt at all times when I wasn't on something.. But these were the thoughts in my head and I had nothing to compare them to.. Public, Private Secret There's no way whats going through my  mind could be going through theres.. I was in awe of the elite players.. Because I knew how my mind reacted to the stress of comp..

Typical teenage burnout

And none of this would have been all that noteworthy, wasn't going anywhere and doing anything exemplary until something weird happened. 

At the last possible second, I got really good

ojai south bay cif couple local pro tourneys.. all of a sudden Coach Bassett was coming to the house for dinner and offering a scholarship to play bat UCLA

In a hail Mary i write a letter to the USTA and I mnanage to get in to JDC tryouts, where I swept through my group undefeated and making the US JDC.. 

Now I got the USA on my back, about to have the letters UCLA on my shirt and I could not have been more uncom in my skin

The Opportunity Tour..

And I might have been fine if I could have stayed to myself, but I'd been able to keep my addiction a secret up to this point.. Which was good for keeping me out of trouble, but unfortunately the diseases of alcoholism and addiction are progressive.. It takes more and more to feel the same.. and we begin to show signs of powerlessness..over when we use, how much we use, and what happens when we use

I wanted this opportunity.. I wanted it so badly, but I needed to get high too.. And need trumps want every time

all the attention, all the success...the stress of it all.. I simply wasn't being built for this

Enter UCLA  defending NCAA Champions.. Glenn Bassett.. My first ever coach, and boy did I respond. Every day, double sessions.. There were 7 guys and 1 spot .. But now I'm living alone and I find out I can drink every night ..which of course I do.. who knew there were so many variations of the game Quarters

Im 18.. I'm still somewhat impervious to hangovers and such, so I trained and I trained and I got the eye of Coach.. I wanted this and made sure He saw that I wanted this

And low and behold I got the last spot

ITA player of the month.. Cover stories in all the papers.. Thank God there was no social media back then.. But it was a lot.. and I just kept winning, 10, matches, 15 matches  And Coach bassett had this rule, you win, you move up, you lose you go down  Our number 1 guy gets hurt.. All of a sudden I', bumper up to #1 singles for a hot minute

We used to do introductions on Court 1.. And everybody goes to their court.. And I got to stay.. I'm playing #1 singles at UCLA where less than a year ago I was a complete burnout going nowhere

You Can Get There From Here

Pause here.. To the parents.. Williams 

 By the time in my life people began to realize something might be wrong with me, it was way too late. My self-medicating alcoholism/addiction was so advanced, it was going to take a miracle, maybe a couple of miracles

And I would lose that match that day to USC.. Boo!!!.. 8 in a row to be exact.. and the wheels started to come off..And hard, so much so a year later I was living in that same van we drove cross country wondering what happened to me

The next decade or so would be a graphic dysfunction with me finally finding my way to treatment for my alcoholism..and even though...But it would still be another decade before being properly diagnosed.. and another decade from there before finally getting the two illnesses inder control such that I can stand here now and share my story.. 

It took me a long time to figure out that putting myself under increased stress with an undiagnosed untreated mental illness not only didn't make things better, it made them worse. Yet I would keep coming back to tennis for the ordering principle in my life.. System Restore

IMPORTANT TAKEAWAY:  This is where we have to get better...if a person has underlying conditions, placing them under increasing amounts of stress is not going to make matters better, as a matter of fact, it will matters measurably worse, so much so, people will engage in dangerous coping techniques or quit way before seeing their talents all the way through..

Again, there is healthy stress, where we develop resilience and confidence.. Intense toxic stress, you just want it to be over..long term low grade stress.. the subject is defenseless.. and continuing to place them under increasing stress doesn't end well

So What can we do?  

TENNIS HAS UNDERGONE several major transformnations.. popularity, professionalism, global, equipment, training.. I believe strongly that mental health and wellness will be the next frontier

Control what we can control.. Preparation, Attitude, effort

ENVIRONMENT

COMPASSION 

Quotes

As a society, and on a smaller level as an industry, we're leaving so much to chance.. 

This is our wake up call.. the surgeon general annouced a National emergency.. Thats all of us

Step one.. Expand our circle of compassion

Start a conversation.. Be able to explain it well

AS AN INDUSTRY>>>>Understand the environment we're putting kids in.. Beach, Mountains, MOving, Jr Tennis

National: That means the whole nation, that means all of us need to be involved to turn this around

Einstein: Extend our circle of compassion

We have to start early

 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.. 

Its easier to build strong children than to fix broken men.. FD

 

In the process of designing a course, A First Ball to Last industry wide initiative, where all parties involved in tennis .. Players Parents, Coaches Organizations.. expanding our emotional literacy and emotional intelligence, building an immune system against the challenges we will face playing such a mentally and emotionally demanding

 

we have to learn how to talk about it... And after watching the way Osaka and Biles and Simmons were treated, no wonder nobody wants to speak up

We need to Learn how to listen.. Because kids will not be able to articulate whats going on, but they will show you and thats what I'd like to talk to you about here..

All indications are this isn't going away..This isn't going away..

Its A NATIONAL EMERGENCY..  

Its important we act soon its not going to fix itself.. for this is not going away any time soon

Before I close tonight

Wrap with this.. All the crazy.. its never planned.. But what we do plan is the regrouping.. Addicts, we're constantly planning, but unless you're able to tame the beast, the plans never pan out.. But the planning plays a certain role.. Keeps you attached to life, to hope, to the belief that things could get better if I could just do a little more of this or that..

But at some point, you just stop.. You can't even believe yourself anymore

But at some point you just stop, because maybe your loife's in the hands of a power greater than your self

In recovery its said if you wanna make god laugh, tell him your plans

So somehow I stopped planning and plotting, and now a guy like me who's politics are to the left of karl marx lives in Nashville married to a conservative gal from Iowa while listening to country music all day and i live a fricking hour from Alabama.. not sure how you plan that stuff out, but I've never been healthier or happier

I'm asked frequently if I regret all the lost years.. sure, would have loved to see my talents all the way through in every field, tennis and academics..

But I would have missed so much more

and sobriety..my northern star