Multiple Scenes
September 1992, Just after my 28th birthday, I'm rushed home from Atlantic City after overdosing and spending the evening in the lock-down NPI wing of the hospital. Its my second rescue from AC in two weeks. My alcoholism/addiction, always life destroying had crossed the line to life threatening.
The chain of command getting me home was complicated. My pregnant girlfriend was equally afraid of me as for me, but I managed to make it home, ending back at my parents house in California at the same kitchen table I grew up at
(( The Atlantic City scenes are intense... More about them later ))
Back at my parents house at the same kitchen table in the same seat across from my Mom and Dad. My packed luggage sits awkwardly in the middle of the living room as I await my best friend Nick to take me to the airport. After 14 years of hard using, my luck had finally run out. I was being shipped off to inpatient treatment for 30 days to Sierra Tucson.
Its tense at the table. Nobody can talk about it, my alcoholism, my addiction, their drinking and the events that led up to my bottoming out in AC. I'm being quiet, looking at the clock for my friend to arrive, who's late. Small talk between parents. Awkward silence. We haven't been communicating much last few years, now sitting at the table again with my near death experience/rescue hanging between us. Eye contact gets made. Eyes shift away. TV blaring in the background. Getting more tense by the moment when the doorbell finally rings.
We all pop right up and rush to the door. My friend Nick enters. My parents approach him, thanking him for his help in connecting them with Nick's mother who aided in getting me a bed at Sierra Tucson. My Dad comes up to Nick. He pats Nick on the back, telling him he's a good friend. Nick nods respectfully as he grabs my luggage, walking back out to his car, leaving me alone with my folks. I look at my folks..
Me: I gotta get going. Mom gives me a stiff hug. Dad walks me to the door. I pause. He pats me on the shoulder. Good luck, he says...
Me: I'm sorry you guys (as I near tearing up)
Dad: Its ok, Its ok..Just get better Barry..
Get to Nick's car, a sports coupe we did a lot of partying in. Start driving through town to the airport. We're quiet in the car. Nobody knows what to say. I mean, what do you say to your out of control friend on a deathwish? Passing bars and liquor stores seeming every block. The neon signs, the billboards, the corner bars
Me: " Temptation on every corner...You ever notice how much alcohol is everywhere? I mean, its literally everywhere. Every store we pass, every sign we see. How does anyone stay sober in this world.
We go quiet for a moment. Then an ad comes on the radio for Heineken. We look over toward each other shaking our heads. Nick: "Got your work cut out for you!
Me: No shit!! As I shut off the radio
We keep driving. We pass billboards for beer and booze. Its relentless. Arrive at the airport. Quick good-bye with friend
Nick: C'mon man. You gotta fix this. Can't be living like this. Get better, would ya?
Walking through airport. Check my bag, find my gate. Waiting for flight. The bar is jumping. Its 3 deep at the bar with everyone drinking and laughing animatedly. I find a little high top off to the side away from the action to lean against. From across the bar, I hear my name called. Its friends heading to Vegas. They ask where I'm going? I tell them Tucson. They ask what I'm doing there? I stutter.. say a tennis thing. I ask about Vegas. They say they're going to tear it up and that I should come. Yeah, that would be about the worst idea ever. That's not the Barry Buss I know. You own Vegas. Remember the Grateful Dead shows? Ridiculous weekends
Me: Yeah, we're giving that guy a little time out. Trying a little health kick for a bit. Trying to get back in playing shape. ((having to lie about what I'm doing)) But you guys have fun for me.
Back at my high top. Cute waitress walks up.
Waitress: All by yourself? Can I get you something to keep you company?
Me: I could use a lot of things right now. Just a Diet Coke for now.
Waitress: Traveling alone tooooo??? Let me guess. Meeting friends in Tahoe?
Me: Yeah, that would be nice. Just going to Tucson..to ummm, see some friends.
Waitress: She picks up my ticket. Looks at the dates. You're staying a whole month??? Wow, Must be a good friend..
Me: Uh, yeah. Helping him.. uhhh, move out and move in. You know, bad break up. All that stuff (I'm able to lie with complete ease)
My flight gets called.
Me: Uhh, that's my flight. I gotta run. I'll be back in a month. I'll come by and say hi.
Waitress: Please do, as she smiles and walks away
Voice Over: Hitting on Bartenders in bars. How's that going to work out? And as I headed toward my gate, I waved to my party friends and my new waitress friend, knowing that my time in such places was coming to an end.
And for the first time in my life, I felt out of place in that party world, the only world I knew.
Board flight. Get seated. Pull out a book. On The Road by Jack Kerouac. I'm ill at ease. Fidgeting ..Going from book, to magazine, to pamphlets.. just staring out the window. Can't focus. Turning my head away from my world..
Stewardess walks by. Would you like a drink to the person next to me? Gets to me. Would you like a drink? I'm being tested. I live in a world consumed with alcohol. Nobody would know. One last one. Then the voice appears again. No, You've had enough.
Staring out the window, I close my eyes, drifting off. Perfect time for a flashback with some music or a Voiceovers about first beers, beer bottle collection, dad and Mom always drinking, first drug experiences, how it started so innocently.. Just wanted to be like Dad, just wanted to fit in, just wanted to be liked, to feel different, just having fun, just experimenting a little, just curious a lot.. Show the progression.. Early fun, fun and problems, tying off my arm startles me awake.. As I awaken, Flight attendant is telling us to fasten seat belts as we begin our descent.
"Thank God this is a short flight."
At Tucson Airport..
Deplaning. Walking through another airport. More bars and drinking all around. Reach Baggage claim. Find my bags. Look across the room and see a sign with my name on it.
Approach heavy set gentleman with white sign with my name on it. That's me. He greets me. Tells me his name. Shakes my hand and grabs one of my bags.
"Welcome to Tucson..Follow me." We walk out the sliding doors. Its Tucson in September, scalding hot. We reach a non-descript white van with no writing on it. "This is the Center's van.
How can anyone tell?
You can't. That's the whole idea. Its the anonymous part.
Oh I get it..
I Climb in the back of the van. Driver sits up front. I'm in the back middle seat. We start up and begin the drive to the Center..
How far is it?
Close to an hour, so settle on in.
Driver: Its an amazing place, Sierra Tucson. I owe my life to them. Yup. Five years and 4 months ago I sat right where you sit. Scared, lost, completely out of answers. I came here with no hope. I walked out 30 days later a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I haven't had as much as a sip of alcohol since. The Center not just saved my life, but gave me a reason to live. So much so, I stayed on to work, eventually landing this job, driving you all to and fro. Best job I've ever had.
Seriously? (shaking my head. Under my breath, what, burger flipping wasn't available?)
Dead seriously. I get to watch the most amazing human transformations take place darn near every day. I pick people up in all states of broken, I get them handed to me by their sobbing parents, I see them trying to finish their stash before getting to the Center, I see them plotting their escape, trying to make a run for it before being admitted. A constant flow of scared broken people finally having to face their demons, and then a month later I take em back to the airport, all of em standing tall with eyes clear and happiness all across their faces, their kids back in their lives, their parents beaming with pride, everybody healthy and full of hope, all because of the power of the Center. Not all of them, of course. Some just aren't ready. As the Big Book says. Some are sicker than others. But all in all, I wouldn't trade where I sit right now for anything in the whole wide world.
((As the driver delivers his soliloquy, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable in the back. Fidgeting around, I'm looking for a way out, to run like others had made a run before me. I'm in a terrible place. Not feeling the fire and brimstone of the driver...
"Hey, Can we pull over somewhere. I need something to eat.
Sure. Driver whips the van into a mini-mart. Right before the van stops, I lurch for the van door to make a run for it. But its locked. Fuck!!
Laughing, the Driver jumps in. Oh not so fast there, its locked from the inside so people can't get away. And don't feel bad. You're far from the only one not excited about being here.
Voice Over: (defeated) And with that final feeble gesture of defiance, my days of running from my problems were over. It was time to face the state of my life. I was going to rehab to learn how to live without alcohol.
Back in the van, the driver continues on. "You'll see right away, Everyone at the Center went through the program. Its mandatory if you want to work there. So you'll be surrounded by people who feel exactly like you feel right now, but when you look in their eyes, you'll see the hope, you'll see the spirit, you'll see the change. For that's what the Center is all about, teaching you the tools to live your life free from alcohol and drugs. Its about Changing our lives. Turning over our will to a power greater than ourselves. ts amazing how the program works its magic, its also amazing how many people stay on and never leave. I might have the least seniority there and I have 5 years. But recovery is a way of life for us. Its the only way. The people that stay working at the Center stay sober and get all the promises of the program. Those who take back their will struggle. Some make it back but barely. But most don't.
He continues to drone on but I'm barely listening. He then turns his head back and looks at me.
"Listen to me. You don't know me from Adam. But I've driven hundreds and hundreds of patients just like you to and fro. You are lucky. You have a chance. Most alcoholics never get a chance to go to treatment, especially one this nice with its reputation. So listen to me carefully.Take this seriously. This may be the only chance you get at sobriety, so do what you're told here. It works if you work it, but you have to apply yourself. You too can be a part of the miracle of sobriety.
Pulling into the Center, a long uphill circular driveway appears. The Driver approaches a large wooden sign and slows down.
"Look out your window"
Looking out my window, I see a giant wood sign. "Expect A Miracle"
A Miracle??? What does that mean.
It means you too can become a miracle. You can do this. I've seen so many people just like you scared and out of hope. But I'm gonna be praying for you from this moment on. And I'm going to drive you back to the airport a month from now and you're going to be an entirely different person. OK?
Jesus man. Is all this necessary? All this talk about miracles and praying for me? I just want to not lose my shit when I drink.
Driver: Just be willing and do as your directed. And I'll see you in a month.
The driver pulls up to the front of the building where two nurses await me.
Driver: Now Good Luck!!
Next Scene Will be my intake.. Let me know if you want me to keep going. The whole stay there would likely be 5-6 more sections of this length..
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